fear, Joshua, and middle school

Fear. That is what is motivating this blog post. My only child has started middle school and I am not ready. We have everything - it's not that. We bought a backpack, paper, pencils, pens, folders, etc. But I am not emotionally ready. I have dreaded this moment from at least as early as the beginning of 5th grade. I remember tearing up when Noah had his last elementary play, when I had my last few lunches with him, and of course at the 5th grade graduation. With sadness and trepidation, I have shared my worries with his elementary principal, my mother-in-law, my cashier at IHOP - anyone who will listen.

However, time marches on whether we are ready or not. Sunday was the middle school open house. I cried. Twice. Not bad - I expected more tears. Noah showed us around the place and we eagerly checked out the 6th grade hallway where his classes would mostly be.

Sunday night, I stared off into space as I tried to sleep, worry consuming me. What if he hates it? What if he can't find his classes? What if someone says something mean to him? Hurts his feelings? What if he can't find someone to sit beside at lunch? What if he doesn't understand what is being taught? What if he has a mean teacher? What if my sweet boy starts using drugs?

I eventually drifted off, and woke up to the blaring alarm clock. I kept my composure very well. I drove him to school, and parked in the parking lot across the street. I prayed with him on the way there, just as I have done every morning since preschool. He got out and crossed the street, and walked to the door - a seemingly hour-long process. I drove away as he went in the door, and the tears started flowing (mine, not Noah's). I prayed the entire way home, sobbing (talk about distracted driving - thankful I made it home). I cried walking into my house, sitting on my couch. Then I had a deep urge to get my Bible.

I quickly searched for words of comfort, that only God can bring. He delivered.

I remembered something about God's promises to Joshua, so I went there. After thumbing through the book backward (don't know why I always do it this way), I decided I might as well start at chapter 1, and just keep reading until I found comfort. I had plenty of time, but I didn't need it. Turns out, chapter 1 is exactly where God was sending me.

Twice God tells Joshua that He will never leave him. I began to feel my fears ease. God was with Joshua. He was handing over to Joshua the honor/enormous responsibility of leading the Israelites, right after the death of Moses. I wonder what Joshua could have been feeling that day. Maybe honor. That God would trust him to lead His people into the promised land had to be pretty flattering. Clearly there was a little fear; God wouldn't have bothered with all this "Be strong and courageous" business, (which is mentioned 4 times in chapter 1) if it was going to be a cakewalk. (Not exactly sure what a cakewalk is, but I'm assuming it's pretty easy). I think there had to be a little uneasiness as well. Those Israelites could be a whiny bunch. "We miss Egypt! We're tired of manna! Moses has been gone for a few weeks - we need a gold cow ASAP!!"

But, knowing Joshua's heart, God was quick to reassure him. "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

I know these words were spoken specifically for Joshua. But Monday morning, a few minutes before 8 a.m., God let me know that He means them for me too. He loves me and he loves Noah just as much as He loves Joshua. He won't leave Joshua? He won't leave me. He won't leave Noah.

Then came peace. How much more could I need? If I were with Noah all day at middle school, I might be of some comfort (If we can pretend he wasn't humiliated by me being there), but there could be a million things that might come up where I would be of no use. But God - He can do anything. And he will never leave Noah. He will go with him, through homeroom, through social studies, through lunch, through cross country practice.

God also directed Joshua to "Be strong and courageous." Seriously, this was mentioned four times in the 18 verses. I think He meant it. My favorite is verse 9.

      "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

So, it's time to put on my big-girl-panties and be strong. God is with us. What better way to get gain courage?

I'm happy to say that when I picked him up from cross country practice at 4:30 (I was a little early), he told me he had a great day. But then again, how could he not? He had some seriously great company :)

p.s. - a  big 'thank you' to my friends who helped keep me busy, who prayed for me and who checked on me during this. Thanks for understanding my craziness :) Love you all!!

He restores my soul

My "health" blog has been unintentinally on a bit of a break this summer, as are my healthy efforts, but I miss writing the blog and had some other thoughts I wanted to write about tonight...

Growing up in church and getting most of my education at a Christian school, I feel like I've heard the 23rd Psalm more times than my own name. Not that this is a bad thing, but sometimes we can hear something over and over until it begins to lose meaning. But I love it when something jumps out at you when you least expect it.

I was at a funeral yesterday and Psalm 23 was read. As the speaker was reading... The Lord is my shepherd... He makes me lie down in green pastures... He restores my soul...

He restores my soul.

Dicitonary.com defines restore as "to bring back to a state of health, soundness, or vigor."

I can't count the times I have needed my soul restored. I have felt depleted, I have felt empty, I have felt exhausted, I have felt I'm at the end of my rope. I have felt like a failure, I have felt alone, I have felt broken.

I feel the opposite of someone restored.

Then God finds a perfect way to remind me that I am His. Even if I have screwed up - and believe me, I have. Countless times. He loves on me, reminding me that I am His baby girl, the one He loved more than life. He reminds me that He doesn't love me because I'm perfect and when I'm imperfect it doesn't change His love for me. He just loves me. Period. Nothing I could ever do will make Him love me more and nothing I could ever do could make Him love me less. He just loves me.

And He loves me enough to continue to restore me, over and over.

When God restores, He really restores. And I am thankful.

Stepping it up a notch :)

So, it's been two weeks since my last blog. I posted about how great the Memorial Day 5K went and how I had made a weight-loss goal, yay me, blah blah blah. Well, since then, I have done nothing :(  I haven't exercised even one time and I had several instances of eating things that were bad for me. Consequently, I have put 4 pounds back on. Not surprising. I know I tend to resort to food when I am happy, sad, stressed, etc. I have felt a little bummed and stressed over the last couple of weeks, for various reasons, and easily turned to food, knowing that it wasn't the answer.

But... starting today, I am stepping it up a notch.

After talking about needing to exercise again, the husband wisely commented that I seemed to stick to this whole exercise thing better when I was following the Couch to 5K program (which, if anyone is interested in checking out, and I highly recommend it, can be found at  http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml ). I decided I need a new plan. So... today I began a 10K training program! :)  Yay! If anyone else is interested, it is found here: http://blog.c25kapp.com/about-bridge-to-10k/ . Tonight I did the first run for Week 1 and it felt great! Why did I wait so long?

Oh, and to the left is my most recent pair of goal pants. Super excited about some day fitting into them :)

I ate well today - banana and Nutrigrain bar for breakfast, followed by a grilled chicken sandwich and baked potato for lunch and two Fresco chicken soft tacos and a side of rice from Taco Bell. I even drank water today. That's right, I drank water. I am a serious pop drinker, and while I have been drinking diet pop since the weight loss plan began, I drink a lot of it and no water. So today, I limited myself to only drink pop with my meals, and not putting the Cherry Coke Zero on my desk to sip on throughout the morning. I drank water.

While I am very excited about how today has gone, I am apprehensive to assume the rest of my week will be equally successful. I am hopeful though. Tune in next week and I'll tell you, good or bad :)

Thanks so much for reading! :)

Memorial Day 5K and Outback :)

It's been waaaayyy too long since I last posted anything. I can blame it on a couple of things... I have been really busy (but I was busy when I was posting regularly too, so it's not a good excuse)... and I have a hard time writing a peppy blog when I am crabby, and I had a few crabby days. I also am ashamed to admit it, but I had a couple of bad weigh-ins at home and some not-so-stellar exercise weeks, along with more-than-average bad eating days (hence the bad weigh-ins), and I became uninspired. However, things have picked up and I have made a little progress.

I'm not even sure where to start on pounds gained and lost, so I will go straight for the grand total of weight loss since the beginning of the year... Here it comes.... 35.5 pounds! I'm so excited about this. This was precisely my Memorial Day goal. Some may consider it cheating, but I did wait to weigh myself after I ran today's 5K and then walked in the parade. I was a half of a pound away from the goal, so I promptly stripped the sweat-soaked T-shirt and sports bra off, along with every hair clippy in my head (sorry for the graphic image, haha) Once everything removable was removed, my weight was exactly what I had hoped. I'm counting it :) 

Like a said a minute ago, I ran a 5K today. The Veteran's Memorial Day 5K in Ironton. Shawn, Noah and I ran it together. It was the first one for Shawn and Noah and my third. Because I have already done this before, and Shawn hadn't, I told him I would stay back with Noah and that he should go on. That was clearly not necessary! Noah ditched me after about a mile and a half. I am still amazed. Just last Saturday, Noah practiced with me at his maw-maw's house and we both circled her neighborhood enough times to equal 3.1 miles. He did great, but stayed right with me. A few times I waited on him to catch his breath or tie his shoes, so naturally I assumed he would be slower than me. If we would have bet on this I would think I have been hustled! :)  He was awesome. I can't believe it, but he ran the whole thing in 33:29! Shawn did great as well, finishing at 29 minutes - this after he couldn't even finish it a few nights ago in our neighborhood. My time, while not nearly as impressive as either of theirs, was 36:53! I'm very happy about this!! My goal each race - other than just finishing it alive - is to beat my last time, and so far, that's what I have done. Yay!

Eating out at restaurants and trying to stay healthy is difficult, I have decided. We had a great time this weekend with family from out of town, and had dinner Sunday at Outback. I decided to peruse the menu Saturday night to make sure I knew what healthy item I could order. I am so glad I did! I would have chosen

grilled chicken on the barbie and a house salad, which sounds very healthy. When I calculated the nutritional information on the restaurants website (which is super cool that you can do that), those two little seemingly healthful foods would have had 43.5 grams of fat!

So, I looked at side options and ways to cut some fat grams. Apparently they put butter on EVERYTHING in Australia... or at least at Outback in Barboursville. I do love me some butter. In fact, I remember my mom saying I used to eat butter sandwiches for snacks at my grandmother's house. (Could explain the high cholesterol these days, huh? :)  Anyway, when you take the butter off the chicken, it went from 20 grams of fat to just 8. I ended up ordering the 6 oz. Outback special, no butter, with fresh vegetables, minus butter, and a baked potato with only sour cream and chives on the side. According to the nutrition tool on the website, the entire meal was only 18.6 fat grams. Much better. Oh, and technically, it was fewer than that because I had a lot of sour cream left on the side :) Yay :)

Thanks for reading, and I will hopefully be posting again soon! :)

Jen

Back on track, 5K, and goal pants :)

Better week :)  I weighed in Monday, losing the pound and a half I had gained the previous week! Yay. I feel a little back on track. My eating habits have been much better this week. I'm pleased. I'm hoping for good results Monday morning :)

My thyroid medicine is a different story. As usual, I finished my month's refill, and forgot to call in a new refill. :(  I will do this though. I will get back in the habit.

Now, for the best news. I ran in another 5K! My second one ever! I was so hoping to beat my last time, but I was concerned I might not, because the last few weeks, my running sessions have dropped dramatically. First I was busy, then didn't feel so great, then I would get these weird head pains that would pop up right when I thought about running... strange, huh? :)  I had lots of excuses, and then finally, I'll admit it, I was just lazy. Even the idea of running was  exhausting. But I haven't given up.

So I went to the 5K with my friend Christy, and I'm so glad I did. I met her in Hurricane bright and early Saturday at 7:30 a.m., and we left from there to go to the state capitol, where there was a ton of people! We lined up at 8:50 and shortly after 9:00, we were off...  It was great! Well, after it was over it was great :) 

The view was great! Right beside the water, and the ground was flat. But it was still hard. I'm not sure why, but I guess I assumed it would be so much easier this time, since I have been running longer than when I tried the last 5K.  I had all sorts of mental excuses as to why I couldn't go faster... too many layers on making me sweaty, not bringing my iPod to have something distracting me, and that super heavy 10-ounce bottle of water that they handed me and I couldn't finish, but couldn't stand to toss on the ground with the hundreds of others. It was like running with a weight. :)

I did okay though. I was concerned about 3/4 of the way through, when I felt a little dizzy... I thought of how embarrassing it would be if I just collapsed on the road, not making it to the finish line. How could I blog about that??! That would have been humiliating. But, thankfully, I didn't. I kept going.

I tried to keep track of my time with my stopwatch feature on my phone, and restricted myself to only looking at it at the halfway point, and then near the end. My halfway time was pretty good, then when I got close to the end, I glanced down and saw that it was something like 26 seconds. I was worried for a minute that I had gone longer than an hour and it might have rolled over... Yikes! But fortunately, I must have pushed the clear button or something.

All in all, I am happy with how I did. I was concerned during the race when I was passed by a sleeping baby. By the time the sixth sleeping baby passed, I was traumatized to the point that I had to laugh about it. I started looking around at the few people still running, and didn't see any numbers on their shirts. So everyone around me were the non-timed runners or walkers. Not a good sign. :)  

Turns out, I finished the race in 38 minutes and 26 seconds!! I even finished before 62 other timed runners! Never mind that I came in 688th place, being beaten by 92 percent of them...  I beat 8 percent of the other timed runners :)  Yay!! (How's that for an optimistic glass of 8 percent full? :) 

Seriously, though, I was really proud of myself and it totally made my day. I think it inspired me to run more. I even ran tonight after church. I'm sore, but it's worth it :)

On a side note, I have picked out new goal pants!! I went through the archives, i.e., bottom drawer, and chose a pair of black pants that I hope to be in, comfortably, eventually :)

I also set a new, short-term goal, of losing 6 1/2 pounds by Memorial Day. We'll see if it happens. Not a big deal if it doesn't, but it would be great :)

Thanks so much for reading! I weigh in again tomorrow. Wish me luck!! :)

Jen

Dude, Where's my wagon?

OK, so my attempt at referencing an Ashton Kutcher movie is pitiful, especially since I have never seen the movie, but it was too easy, so I had to. I have fallen so far off the dieting/exercise wagon, that I am not even sure where it is.

Last Monday I lost a pound, so a brief Yay for that :)  But at today's weigh-in, I gained a pound and a half, so Boo for that. Turns out I have lost my motivation, or so it seems.

As I was writing the previous blog, I really felt I was doing better, that things would be looking up. My eating habits were stellar. My exercise was not bad, not amazing, but easy to increase, right?

This past week, I have only exercised twice. I ran Wednesday, but it was a shorter run, only 25 minutes, not the usual 40. I was sure Saturday would be a turn-around, as my expert running cousin was in from out of town. I haven't seen her since I was probably 10, so I was doubly excited about this. Not only to learn tips and hints about running, but also to catch up on our lives. Although, I have to say the catching up might have been hard to do as I'm gasping for air during the run :)  However, I'm sad to say it rained. A lot. With lightning. And we all know, When thunder roars, stay indoors. So, no running outside. I did run on the treadmill, for about 30 minutes. And I did up my speed a little on the treadmill, so I felt good about that.
I did have one really good eating moment (I think). We went to my cousin's wedding and I refrained from eating food or cake, though I did drink a Pepsi... Bummer... I forgot about that. And party mints. The good part comes in a minute I guess.

So after the wedding, we went to see my aunt in the hospital, which was a great time as I haven't seen her in a while and she's so fun, and then we went to Tascalli's. I REALLY, and I mean REALLY wanted the cheese ravioli, which they serve half with marinara sauce and half with Alfredo sauce, and top it with mozzarella cheese. Delicious!! How could I turn that down? But I refrained. Instead, I chose the chicken with the sweet and tangy sauce (BTW, if any of you know the nutrition facts of this meal, I'm not sure I want to know. I'm afraid that I will find out it is worse for me than the ravioli...) along with mashed potatoes and wild rice. It was yummy and I felt good about the choice. (Actually, I only ate one of the chicken breasts and forgot that I brought the other one home, so yay me... lunch tomorrow! :)

Sunday, however was a different story. It was Easter. We went to Shawn's mom's for dinner after church. I fixed a few things to take there and couldn't make myself stay away from the bad things. Macaroni and cheese (which you might think isn't the traditional Easter dinner, but it's kind of like bread for us - perfect with any meal :)  and ham and a piece of chocolate pie. My stomach is growling right now...

And now for today... I took Noah to the orthodontist this morning. His braces were supposed to be removed. Yay, right? It should be a happy occasion!

The appointment was at 8:30 a.m. We were a couple of minutes late and Noah went back after a few minutes. I settled into a good book, waiting on things to happen back there. I really had no idea how much time I expected it to take. I've never had braces, so this is all new to me. Noah hadn't been back there long, when his orthodontic (assistant? hygienist? not sure what the right term is, but I will go with assistant) comes to get me. She said "We need you." Yikes. I go back and Noah is completely freaked out. Crying. She said, "He doesn't want to get the retainer." I don't know why it didn't occur to me that he would have to get a mold made to form the retainer. The mold had seriously traumatizd him from the initial braces.

I tried to give him the pep talk. Noah, it's going to be fine. You're brave. You can do this. It's going to be okay. I'll be right here... blah, blah, blah. That's what he heard. So he says, "No! I'm not doing it!!" My perfectly obedient child goes through some sort of metamorphasis of evil when the pink goo for the mold comes out. The assistant and orthodontist both seem pretty frustrated, as this is not a quick process. She would try to put the tray in his mouth, he would clamp his lips shut tighter than my size 8 jeans. When it was finally wedged in there, the gagging would commence...

This went on for what seemed like decades of my life, until the orthodontist stepped in and said he would try it. He said the mouth trays were too large for Noah's tiny mouth, so he whittled some down smaller and Noah tried it, unhappily, but without gagging. So he rushes over to the sink to mix the goo to put in the tray that will soon be placed in Noah's cute perfectly straight-toothed mouth. Only Noah is wiping his tears and his nose when the orthodontist comes over to quickly put it in (apparently this stuff has a short window before it becomes cement). The orthodontist, understandably frustrated, says we're probably going to have to come back another day. He comes back a minute later and says Noah and I can go into another room to talk. So I go back to the room. I'm torn between threatening grounding for eternity and bribing him with, well, anything he wants. I didn't. Seeing him in tears brings me to tears, but I try to control it. We're in public after all, and there are probably 15 other patients and parents in the same room as Noah getting their own teeth tightened and gooed.

He  finally feels like he can do it, so we go back out. The job gets done, even though he still gagged during a lot of the process, but it is over. We left to get a drink and a snack and had to come back 30 minutes later to get the retainer. He was a super happy and relieved kid when it was over. I, on the other hand, remained stressed for a while, and took him to lunch at McDonald's before taking him back to school (we were at the orthodontist so long, his lunch time at school was already over). I ordered a 10-piece McNugget meal, with fries. Fries and deep-fried chicken parts! What was I thinking?  It was like some sort of natural reaction. Like something just took over.

Not proud of that. And not that it's an excuse, but at least it explains it.

So, here's hoping for a better week. A week of more exercising and fewer McNuggets. And hopefully a week of more pounds lost, as well as a new desire to find my wagon.

The dress! :)

First update is that I weighed in Monday (4/11) and lost another 2 1/2 pounds! Yay :)  I am doubtful that tomorrow morning's weigh-in will go that well, but I am still happy from this week, so that's okay :) Here is the big news... drum-roll please..... (da, da, da, da... )

I bought the dress! And an even bigger accomplishment... I wore it!
If you've read my previous blogs, you understand what a big deal this is. I haven't worn a dress in several years. I hated how I looked in dresses.

Now, whether this means that I have lost enough weight and exercised enough to tone various places on my body, or if it just means that I have become comfortable enough with my body to not be incredibly self-conscious about what I look like, I am not sure. But I have to think that either of those is a good thing :)

I realized I haven't posted any pictures of this whole process on here yet, and in all honesty it was probably because of fear. But here we go. I'm posting a couple of "before" pictures here....These were both taken toward the end of 2010.

Now... If you can take the focus off of my messy kitchen or my 80s clothes, lol, you can get the picture. I will call these my "before" pictures. I'm not sure what to call my next picture. I can't really say "after," because at 27 1/2 pounds of weight loss, I am only halfway to my goal. So I guess we will call this my "during" picture :) 

I feel a little more in the groove of things this week. I have exercised a couple of times, though I admit it should have been more. I have eaten healthfully. All in all, an improvement. :)

One thing I seem to have forgotten in all my years of not wearing a dress... Wind and full dresses. Yikes! My apologies to everyone driving on Rt. 60 in front of Foodfair this evening :)